Sun: Am I suffering from any serious illness?
8-ball: My sources say no.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
I'm not sure what's come over me lately but I've become more introspective. I just haven't been as care free and happy-go-lucky as my usual self. What the fuck? I'm not depressed. I don't really feel ill. I'm not broke. The sex has been more back-breaking and passionate than in a long while.
I do however feel this uncontrollable need to satisfy certain intellectual and spiritual cravings. I've been obssessed with things others usually ignore.. the insignificant things that make us happy such as a good coffee (sometimes irish) and interesting conversation. Also, we tend to forget how important loyal and honest people are... That's the kind of people I want to surround myself by. People I can let my guard down and just be honest with and share our trials and tribulations with, without fear of backlash.. to cleanse my soul a bit.
And no I'm not talking about needing to attend AA meetings hehehe. I can honestly say I'm not an alcoholic. Isn't alcohol a means to an end for current AA members? I enjoy drinking excessively, yes, but by no means am I dependent on it. My current goal seems be longing for a philosiphical examination of life. It's not my fault that imbibing encourages this. It helps with my soul searching efforts doesn't it? I can have an intellectual conversation with or without a drink that's for sure. But a couple glasses of bourbon will certainly expedite this... It ain't my fault thats how it is.
The endorphins released from rigorous excercise produces a similar feeling to me. It also enables a false sense of bravado and causes one to release certain chemicals to the female species. Drinking moderately does the same for me.. but in addition I truly believe it brings me to another level intellectually. Don't laugh. I'm dead serious. Please notice that I emphasize the word "moderately" here. Because going past a certain limit leads to belligerent and chaotic behavior. The key is to get into that "zone" and stay in it the same way an athlete does. It's very tricky... but if Peyton Manning can do it.. so can I. After all drinking is a sport.. and I'm the Peyton Manning of this league.
I do however feel this uncontrollable need to satisfy certain intellectual and spiritual cravings. I've been obssessed with things others usually ignore.. the insignificant things that make us happy such as a good coffee (sometimes irish) and interesting conversation. Also, we tend to forget how important loyal and honest people are... That's the kind of people I want to surround myself by. People I can let my guard down and just be honest with and share our trials and tribulations with, without fear of backlash.. to cleanse my soul a bit.
And no I'm not talking about needing to attend AA meetings hehehe. I can honestly say I'm not an alcoholic. Isn't alcohol a means to an end for current AA members? I enjoy drinking excessively, yes, but by no means am I dependent on it. My current goal seems be longing for a philosiphical examination of life. It's not my fault that imbibing encourages this. It helps with my soul searching efforts doesn't it? I can have an intellectual conversation with or without a drink that's for sure. But a couple glasses of bourbon will certainly expedite this... It ain't my fault thats how it is.
The endorphins released from rigorous excercise produces a similar feeling to me. It also enables a false sense of bravado and causes one to release certain chemicals to the female species. Drinking moderately does the same for me.. but in addition I truly believe it brings me to another level intellectually. Don't laugh. I'm dead serious. Please notice that I emphasize the word "moderately" here. Because going past a certain limit leads to belligerent and chaotic behavior. The key is to get into that "zone" and stay in it the same way an athlete does. It's very tricky... but if Peyton Manning can do it.. so can I. After all drinking is a sport.. and I'm the Peyton Manning of this league.
Monday, January 05, 2004
I have one of those old skool plastic 8-balls on my desk that displays a yes/no/maybe answer every time you ask it a question. I found it on top of a pile of cubicle waste one day when we were cleaning up our lab. Anyways I thought it was kind of kewl, being a pool player and my problem dealing with question marks in my mind, I picked the damn thing up. Before my long vacation I asked it a few rudimentary questions. I can't remember too many but one was "Will we hookup?" Why is that the only question I could remember? Now anyone that knows me knows I don't have a superstitious bone in my body... so trust me the damn thing is purely for amusement and laughs.. and possibly it tricks my mind into thinking the question marks disappeared. So, in an effort to clear my mental slate I ask it the following questions and get the following replies.
Q: Is she in love with me?
A: It is certain
uhh... well this is very doubtful but it would explain why she's avoiding me at all costs... it's her only defense.. it's the only way she can get over me.
Q: Am I getting laid off?
A: My reply is no
hahaha. jeah right.
Q: Will we be friends again sometime in the future?
A: Most definitely
Out of the three this answer is the only one remotely believable. I think it's understood that our friendship is strong. Considering everything it's been through.. it will endure (although suffer from gaps of pure hatred).
Q: Is she in love with me?
A: It is certain
uhh... well this is very doubtful but it would explain why she's avoiding me at all costs... it's her only defense.. it's the only way she can get over me.
Q: Am I getting laid off?
A: My reply is no
hahaha. jeah right.
Q: Will we be friends again sometime in the future?
A: Most definitely
Out of the three this answer is the only one remotely believable. I think it's understood that our friendship is strong. Considering everything it's been through.. it will endure (although suffer from gaps of pure hatred).
Welll I'm in QA hell here at work. I just finished chatting with you know who... Basically I broke it down to her. I told her about how I feel. I told her how important our friendship meant to me and how I love hanging out with her. Typically, she blew me off again. I wish I saved the log so I could always remember how cold she is. When her guard is up.. she's ruthless and unflinching. And the way it looks, she'll never let her guard down for me again. O well... Not having contact with her will probably keep both of us healthier emotionally. I'll deal with it.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
Ok enough of that nonsense I was talking yesterday. Bottomline is keeping her as a friend without any trace of unhealtlhy feelings would keep me happy. She means so much to me... I'd just love to keep her around. I think we're inseperable in some ways when we both let our guards down. I tell you.. it's hard to find someone like that nowadays. keep ya head up babydoll... muah.
Today marks the end of my 3 week vacation. A decadent hedonistic binge probably describes it better. I can't seem to snap out of this mode I'm stuck in. I can't even wake up before 10am. How the hell am I gonna make it to work at a reasonable hour? My body temperature is out of whack. It's way too cold. I'm itching for a drink. I'm glued to the couch and the remote control. I've been on a strict carnivorous diet too. I sleep too damn much. Help.
Today marks the end of my 3 week vacation. A decadent hedonistic binge probably describes it better. I can't seem to snap out of this mode I'm stuck in. I can't even wake up before 10am. How the hell am I gonna make it to work at a reasonable hour? My body temperature is out of whack. It's way too cold. I'm itching for a drink. I'm glued to the couch and the remote control. I've been on a strict carnivorous diet too. I sleep too damn much. Help.
Saturday, January 03, 2004
Ok, I'm gonna break it down. I can't really tell anyone so I guess I'll just tell the entire internet. Just random thoughts...
You got me completely consumed.
I can't really focus on much else.
Maybe this will help.
Dumping thoughts on paper.
It was just a kiss... maybe two.
Totally unplanned.
Took me completely off guard.
Passion in two simple kisses.
What's the point?
Why even question it?
We both belong to others we refuse to hurt again.
What was were you thinking?
Why would you kiss back?
And apologize afterwards.
Like you were more guilty than myself.
Why girl?? I need you to justify...
But you won't and never will.
Because you like to believe there is no reason.
And because there's really no point.
You understand that.
Much better than I do.
You got me completely consumed.
I can't really focus on much else.
Maybe this will help.
Dumping thoughts on paper.
It was just a kiss... maybe two.
Totally unplanned.
Took me completely off guard.
Passion in two simple kisses.
What's the point?
Why even question it?
We both belong to others we refuse to hurt again.
What was were you thinking?
Why would you kiss back?
And apologize afterwards.
Like you were more guilty than myself.
Why girl?? I need you to justify...
But you won't and never will.
Because you like to believe there is no reason.
And because there's really no point.
You understand that.
Much better than I do.
Friday, January 02, 2004
Wed Dec 17
Wake up call was ineffective. Alarm too hard to set when shitfaced the night before. Result: Late to morning conferences. My boss had to call me up to wake me. Hoping no one would really notice if I snuck in 30 minutes late I didn't even bother to shower. I just threw on some clothes and ran over to the conference area. I was very hung over and dehydrated. Not suprisingly I wasn't the only trooper to creep in late. Some scrubs didn't even show up... hahaha. Nonetheless, it was very embarrassing. During lunch I managed to get a 20 minute nap and then used my samurai willpower to endure another 4 hours of boring ass presentations.
After all that bizness we all hopped on a bus drove deep into the desert to some big ass cowboy theme restaurant where they cut off your ties if you have one on. Cowboys in Arizona?? Kinda odd to me. The place was about the size of two Chuck-e-Cheeses and neckties hung from every inch of the ceiling. The steak was bland and the beverages were stale. Not really kewl.
Finally after all that mess we finally made it back to the hotel. Us troopers plan a clandestine mission despite the fact we're all exhausted. Mission for the evening: The Library Now that's what I'm talking bout. It's right off the ASU campus. There's actually books in there. But it's a bar... and best of all the all female bar and waitstaff all wear little schoolgirl outfits. whoa. jeah and I forgot.. they dance on the bar. Kewl ass spot. I remember one point in the evening sitting at the bar outdoors having a smoke and drinking a ketel one tonic. Baby Bash's Suga Suga comes on.. and the hotties all get on the bar and shake their stuff. I remember thinking for a second that this was the life as I bobbed my head... Good times mayne. I kick it with Eddie and find we're very similar... we both have problems partying too much and staying away from beautiful women. My new homie. If i can remember correctly some of us actually managed to call it a night pretty early (around 1am I think). Woowee.
Wake up call was ineffective. Alarm too hard to set when shitfaced the night before. Result: Late to morning conferences. My boss had to call me up to wake me. Hoping no one would really notice if I snuck in 30 minutes late I didn't even bother to shower. I just threw on some clothes and ran over to the conference area. I was very hung over and dehydrated. Not suprisingly I wasn't the only trooper to creep in late. Some scrubs didn't even show up... hahaha. Nonetheless, it was very embarrassing. During lunch I managed to get a 20 minute nap and then used my samurai willpower to endure another 4 hours of boring ass presentations.
After all that bizness we all hopped on a bus drove deep into the desert to some big ass cowboy theme restaurant where they cut off your ties if you have one on. Cowboys in Arizona?? Kinda odd to me. The place was about the size of two Chuck-e-Cheeses and neckties hung from every inch of the ceiling. The steak was bland and the beverages were stale. Not really kewl.
Finally after all that mess we finally made it back to the hotel. Us troopers plan a clandestine mission despite the fact we're all exhausted. Mission for the evening: The Library Now that's what I'm talking bout. It's right off the ASU campus. There's actually books in there. But it's a bar... and best of all the all female bar and waitstaff all wear little schoolgirl outfits. whoa. jeah and I forgot.. they dance on the bar. Kewl ass spot. I remember one point in the evening sitting at the bar outdoors having a smoke and drinking a ketel one tonic. Baby Bash's Suga Suga comes on.. and the hotties all get on the bar and shake their stuff. I remember thinking for a second that this was the life as I bobbed my head... Good times mayne. I kick it with Eddie and find we're very similar... we both have problems partying too much and staying away from beautiful women. My new homie. If i can remember correctly some of us actually managed to call it a night pretty early (around 1am I think). Woowee.
It feels like it's been ages since my last journal entry. Over the next few days I'll attempt to recount possibly the most chaotic, decadent, alcohol-induced experiences during the past two weeks. If I don't most of it will be forgotten, some of it purposely, and pushed into the depths of my psyche.
NOTE: The names have been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty)
Tue Dec 16, approximately 02:30 PM
Jules, Harry and I arrive in the desertland after an uneventful flight. I can't remember much from the trip except for Jewli's excessive yapping. Upon arrival we check into a cheesy Southwestern style desert inn. Famished, we hit the in-house restaurant and I immediately order a beer: a heneiken. I order the special burger medium well. It arrives severely burned. Straight up disgusting. Tortilla soup is excellent however... probably the only thing edible in the entire place. I order heneiken #2. Catch a slight buzz and meet some fellow remote coworkers. Everyone is hella kewl. Suprisingly, they all appear to be more secure about their jobs than we are. I suppose they're just better prepared... A few hours later we're standing around having cocktails and meeting some more remotes. Much fun. Where's the keg dammit? Open bar?? Daym I better drink up... too bad there's no scotch. While standing around bsing I can immediately tell who I'll be kicking it with.
Eddie, the scruffy 40 something chain smoking dranker who just don't give a fuck.
Mory, the muscle head playa who is almost as quiet as myself.
Hasker, alternative pearl jam type mofo who just don't give a fuck.
Laura, the blonde i-can't-believe-she's-a-sysadmin hottie from Iowa (jeah I can see she's jocking).
Stephen, the mullet-sporting desert pimp that can out drink everyone here.
Suzanne, the nerd by day poolshark by night chick from Minnesota.
I can't forget to mention the h0e we're all worried about...
Kay, the evil power monger beeyotch.
Anyways, after dinner we find ourselves at the internal bar getting severely dranked... Double Makers please... and another... then I settle down for a fat tire ale. Someone picked up the tab too. Sweeeet.
After the squares turn in, the truest troopers head on down to the local poolhall. I proceed to imbibe further and even manage to turn a few heads with my leet 9-ball skills. It's all good. One thing I do notice is the fact that the city seriously lacks diversity. I began to get the feeling that some locals (not to mention some of my rural coworkers) have never seen someone of my ethnicity. It's not something I've felt in a few years but it's something that's obvious to detect. Oh well... I think I showed them how them ethnics hold it down and get crunk.
We get back to the hotel around 3am or so extremely inebriated. I deperately needed to get to bed but I'm a fucking lush. As soon as I stumble out of the truck Stephen announces he has a cooler full of Bud Lights. Ouch. I'm not much of a lite beer drinker but my dumbass just couldn't turn it down so I proceeded to toss back a couple cold ones while shooting the shit. Don't ever try to out drink a native Arizonian sporting a mullet. You won't be able to hang. After I get back to the room I text an old friend... can't believe she's up and is down to talk for awhile. Finally I crash around 4am.
NOTE: The names have been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty)
Tue Dec 16, approximately 02:30 PM
Jules, Harry and I arrive in the desertland after an uneventful flight. I can't remember much from the trip except for Jewli's excessive yapping. Upon arrival we check into a cheesy Southwestern style desert inn. Famished, we hit the in-house restaurant and I immediately order a beer: a heneiken. I order the special burger medium well. It arrives severely burned. Straight up disgusting. Tortilla soup is excellent however... probably the only thing edible in the entire place. I order heneiken #2. Catch a slight buzz and meet some fellow remote coworkers. Everyone is hella kewl. Suprisingly, they all appear to be more secure about their jobs than we are. I suppose they're just better prepared... A few hours later we're standing around having cocktails and meeting some more remotes. Much fun. Where's the keg dammit? Open bar?? Daym I better drink up... too bad there's no scotch. While standing around bsing I can immediately tell who I'll be kicking it with.
Eddie, the scruffy 40 something chain smoking dranker who just don't give a fuck.
Mory, the muscle head playa who is almost as quiet as myself.
Hasker, alternative pearl jam type mofo who just don't give a fuck.
Laura, the blonde i-can't-believe-she's-a-sysadmin hottie from Iowa (jeah I can see she's jocking).
Stephen, the mullet-sporting desert pimp that can out drink everyone here.
Suzanne, the nerd by day poolshark by night chick from Minnesota.
I can't forget to mention the h0e we're all worried about...
Kay, the evil power monger beeyotch.
Anyways, after dinner we find ourselves at the internal bar getting severely dranked... Double Makers please... and another... then I settle down for a fat tire ale. Someone picked up the tab too. Sweeeet.
After the squares turn in, the truest troopers head on down to the local poolhall. I proceed to imbibe further and even manage to turn a few heads with my leet 9-ball skills. It's all good. One thing I do notice is the fact that the city seriously lacks diversity. I began to get the feeling that some locals (not to mention some of my rural coworkers) have never seen someone of my ethnicity. It's not something I've felt in a few years but it's something that's obvious to detect. Oh well... I think I showed them how them ethnics hold it down and get crunk.
We get back to the hotel around 3am or so extremely inebriated. I deperately needed to get to bed but I'm a fucking lush. As soon as I stumble out of the truck Stephen announces he has a cooler full of Bud Lights. Ouch. I'm not much of a lite beer drinker but my dumbass just couldn't turn it down so I proceeded to toss back a couple cold ones while shooting the shit. Don't ever try to out drink a native Arizonian sporting a mullet. You won't be able to hang. After I get back to the room I text an old friend... can't believe she's up and is down to talk for awhile. Finally I crash around 4am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)