Useless as tits on a boar.
Colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving. (Not overly-intelligent.)
Big hat, no cattle. (All talk and no action)
This ain't my first rodeo. (I've done been around awhile.)
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow. (He has a pretty high opinion of himself.)
They ate supper before they said grace. (Living in sin.)
You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits. (You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.)
Busier than a three-dicked billy goat.
Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.
I'm sweating like a whore in church on Sunday
It's hotter than two rats fuckin' in a wool sock in here!
Hot as a whore in a cucumber patch
You can't polish a turd.
That payment is higher'n a giraffe's nuts
He doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
Fartin' in tall cotton - You're talking, but no one's listening.
Some days the sun even shines on a dog's ass - When an idiot stumbles into something good.
Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
or
Does a bear shit in the woods?
That boys a couple beers short of a 6 pack.
He's queerer than a three dollar bill
Rip its horns off and wipe its ass and serve it up = Rare steak
He could stuff coal up his ass and shit diamonds in two weeks = Thrifty
That (person) is uglier than a bag of smashed assholes.
She's like the town bike, everybody gets a ride.
I gotta piss like a racehorse.
I wouldn't fuck her with your dick and him pushing.
I'm on it like a fat kid on a cupcake.
Runs like a scalded dog.