Wild Wild Weekend

Ok, looks like this crazy weekend is about to start. C and C will be touching down in three hours. The wife gets off an hour after that and R and L get in shortly thereafter. Sounds hectic huh? That's just the beginning of it.. I still need to clean the house, pick up dry cleaning, etc. Tomorrow, I've got more errands.. and to top it all off. I'm still stuck at work. Anyways, I'm sure it'll all be worth it. 3 days in the mountains and spending superbowl in a casino. That's living son...

I probably won't have time to blog so... I guess I'll see you all Monday. :-)


From Phillip Clark's website:

I don't know this guy.. but he thinks just like me.

I've always considered it a tragedy that I can't have sex with every beautiful woman I know, every single night. Recently, however, it occurred to me that there is a way. Every night we experience a crazy alternate universe in our dreams. It is a world uninhibited and unfettered by conventional waking morality; a vibrant world that positively throbs with the potential for new experiences. If a woman has a dream that I'm fooling around with her, and becomes aroused as a result... are not her orgasms every bit as real as if I were present in waking life? Imagine if I could find a way to visit women in their sleep. I could travel around all around the globe at night and have lots of fantastic sex all over the place. Kind of like Santa Claus (except I only visit the bad girls).

Random Blurb

I write alot faster when my thoughts don't require organization. I just spew out random crap in my head in no significant order. Do I have ADD?

rough day. is she gaming me? prolly so but not on that level i would like. fuck wiseguy and syndicate picks. they all suck. fuck last second betting descisions. fuck QA's. fuck my disorganized messy cubicle with a view. man i need SA to cover. steak waiting for me at home. she has not time for me. not drinking enough water. found discount lift tix at albertsons. theres a reason why some doods have no friends. take that into consideration. need a drink. need to read a chapter. increased pressure. boss staying at work later than me. i just want to go home. eat. have a cig. in peace. with heater on. what the hell is she doing? why do i care. sexy big fake tits. i likes. no more beer at home. whole foods again. wifey at the movies watching lost in translation. cut front desk chick. stuck up tho. how do i sarge that? u know she's freaky in bed. need new boarding pants. maybe tomorrow i buy. sale at copelands. hopefully still there. man this is stupid. this is how retards write. too much sex and sports in my brain. need to quit. going home now. go SA!

A Penny saved, a penny earned

True.. but at what cost? I've been making a valiant attempt at saving money this past weekend. I think I ended Sunday +80 bux (Thanks to that genius play on ATL... Jason Terry u a pimp). This contributed to the thriftiest weekend I've had in the past few yrs. It sux though that often times I equate fun to spending money. Honestly I hate being holed up at home playing madden, watching sports and movies, and napping all day. Yeah I'm not spending money but is it killing me faster? I mean slothfulness cannot be good for you. I can feel my brain cells waste away due to inactivity.You can even tell from my damn blog entry... boring. I even managed to trick myself into a quick workout at the gym and I still felt lazy afterwards. I'd prefer to chill at the pool hall, hike on angel island, or even just relax with a good book at a coffee spot. But unfortunately that shit costs money.

O jeah... I did feel a strange flutter on my side for a few hours afterwards a strenuous leg workout. I'm pretty sure it wasn't my heart as I distinctly felt that separately. I felt no pain but it did cause some concern. What the fuck was that? Did I work out my abs too hard? I think I just need to find a proper balance somehow someway before problems snowball. On the brighter side, I did in fact hit the gym plus I managed to get some school work done (first time in months). Base hits baby.. base hits. We'll work on home runs later.


Super Sunday steadily approaching

Come on brain wake up... Super Bowl. That's definitely occuping a large space in my brain. Too much in fact. Maybe that's why I feel so slow. I've been pouring over countless useless and insignificant facts for the past few days. Pats are staying at the Intercontinental and the Panthers are out there near Greenspoint. Should I read into this further? Is CAR gonna be more focused since they're locked in some war room somewhere while NE is out galavanting at red carpet galas? Mushin Muhammad is on the cover of SI this week. Yup CAR is the recipient of the SI curse. Shit I'm not superstitious why do I think about curses? Is it really pointless? Does it matter if Brady gets drunk the night before the big game? I think not. Shit.. I'd probably play even better.


Alternative Hits CD Volume I

Friday night I made an 90's alternative hits CD. It features of ballads and easy to sing type stuff like: Red Hots, Goo Goo Dolls, Third Eye Blind, Oasis. Yup.. heartfelt songs that accurately fit my current state of mind: a rut... at romantic seductive rut. Its a refreshing change from Tiddy Bar hits volume 3. I need to start posting track lists on here.


All you can eat... nothing I want

I know I've been bumpin my gums about the damn whole foods downstairs for past couple weeks. Rightfully so I thought. After work today I decided to walk through and possibly find something to eat... again. Same indian food, same comfort food, same damn deli stuff. I even browsed the frozen food aisles and considered buying some chicken taquitos (the photo on the box looked scrumptous). So i figured this would be a nice change... some fuckin Tex-Mex snacks. As I reached for it I noticed it contained a "vegetarian chicken substitute". I walked around found some prepackaged chicken tika masala but it just didn't look very appetizing. I'll pass. Next to that there was some something that looked like tofu and green beans over rice. The package read "Vegan Filipino Favorites" (or something similar). What the fuck?? There aint nothin vegan about Filipino food. I shook my head in disbelief and walked out of the damn store. They seriously need to rethink their offerings. At least change it up every few days. Bottom line is I'm already sick of the food there and they just opened like 2 weeks ago. Can a Popeyes or Sinh Sinh please open up next door? Oh well, I'm getting too spoiled I guess. How would I live if everything (supermarket, pool hall, nice bars, work, tiddy spot, etc) wasn't 2 blocks away. How would I live? Gotta find food!!!!

O yeah i really miss reading Bukowski. Ironically, his writing is very motivating.

Interesting new blogs

hot action
This dood is a pimp.

N E O F L U X
Propaganda You Can Trust

Belle de Jour
blog of an eloquent call girl

Improv Message Boards - True Porn Clerk Stories

tiny nibbles - main
blog of Good Vibrations owner

New sites (be careful)

Daze Reader
Uber-news

Booble
The adult search engine

How Was She
Rate chix you've had sex with

Madden 2004: Accurate tool for gamblers?

So I'm sitting around right now bored as hell. I don't feel like shooting pool or buying shit since I've gotta stack money for our trip to Tahoe next week. So what have I decided to do? I've devised a brilliant, part-nerd-part-degenerate idea to simulate the Super Bowl using Madden 04. Nice diversion huh? So far I've spent a few hours tweaking Carolina and New England player ratings and depth charts. Possibly more tweaks will be necessary if I notice anomalies. Well have to see. Below are notes and observations:

**stuff removed for brevity**

I orginally had a drive by drive breakdown here but I started noticing the simular patterns.

Pattern 1: NE covers (4 out of 5 times)
Pattern 2: CAR scores first (4 of 5 times)
Pattern 3: MMuhammad keeps getting shut down
Pattern 4: Brady is en fuego in 2nd half of sims
Pattern 5: SSmith scores first TD of the game (3 out of 5 times)

I'm going to make a few tweaks over the next few days and run more sims.

Buffets aren't just for food

Must've been nice to be a dictator back in the day...

Maharaja Bhupendra Singh of Patiala (1670-1733)—365 wives
Once said, "wine, fish, meat, alcohol and plenty of sex was good for the soul." A toweringly handsome Sikh with a colorful personality, he was famed for his sexual prowess and appetite and forever on the lookout for pretty women, even going so far as to kidnap them when they refused his overtures. Every evening he would light 365 lanterns around his palace, each with the name of one of his wives inscribed on it. The wife whose lamp went out first would be his for the night. For leap years, he'd take the night off.

I wouldn't bother with all this lantern business though. Lighting that many lanterns would be a royal pain in the ass. I'd just have all of them in a big room dancing around, kind of like they do in soul train except there wouldn't be any doods. Instead, it would be just women I've hand picked over the years dressed in lingerie or sexy gowns trying to seduce me with their grinding movements. I'd simply walk around and grab 1-3 that appealed to me each night and take them to where the magic happens. hahaha. Jeah I'm a pig.


Lame evening out

Yesterday we met up at Jillians for some drinks and pool. I was in an especially good mood during the walk over there but that soon changed. My 9-ball game was off early and found myself racking a lot more than usual. I'm convinced Jillians has the worst crowd out of any large bar/restaurant hangout in the city. Other than one latina with a killer bod, the rest were either recent fortysomething divorcees or 17 yr olds in need of supervision. Plus, my homies M, F, and J aren't really fun to hang out with unless they're doing shots or something. I shoulda stayed home.


Seduction, desire, and a LAL +13

Ok... she's back. Either she's not getting enough action at home or she finds me totally irresistable. I have no idea. All I know is I have never had this much fun playing games with a woman/girl in my life especially over such a long period of time. It's a game of cat and mouse or as she likes to call it 'When Harry met Sally' (Yeah I don't understand either). The game brings both mental and sexual energy into my life (like I need more of that). I know it does the same for her. She's not exactly your typical object of desire. To a casual observer seeing her for the first time she would probably be rated a 6 or 7. She's not exactly sultry and even acts tom-boyish (but I know this is only in public). However, she's extremely seductive and has this well-practiced ability to communicate with your subconscious. With a mastery of human psychology, a cute face, and a nice rack in her arsenal... she's lots of fun.

I think we both realize we musn't cross the line again. First of all, this is too much fun. Why in the hell would we want this fun to cease? O jeah.. and I suppose real life feelings could get affected too (not mine.. no way).

kill -9 `ps -ef |grep -i stressful_life |awk '{ print $2 }'`

We were in a meeting today and we were saying things like "If you kill the parent what will it do to the children?". Answer: "It depends on how you kill the parent" . Imagine if a non-techie strolling by happened to hear that. Would he/she think we were murderers?

If Ewa Mataya or the Jeanette Lee told me to "stroke it instead of poking it" after she watching me shoot would I get excited? ;-)


Jillians calling my name

Despite all the crap on my plate and the uncertainties in my life I'm in a playful mood. I feel like sneaking out of here to go to jillians and having a couple beers. Maybe shoot a little pool and maybe apply that stuff I've been I've been reading about... Oh jeah... solo. Practice makes perfect and I practice best on my own. Too bad sneaking out isn't a possibility, not even a remote one. Everyone is still here and you know the unspoken corporate rule: Last one to arrive in the morning should be the last one to leave. And in this case that rule applies directly to me since I creep in around noon sometimes. It's not like I put in fewer hours because everyone knows I hop on the computer as soon as I jump out of bed and knock out any urgent issues. I'm sure that's understood. But I believe in common courtesy.


Senior Social Engineer

Sometimes I wonder if I"m still a member of my wonderful group here at work because of my strong socializing skills. I mean, technically I'm just above average at best. C was definitely sharper and more experienced. We were about the same on the laziness and procrastination scales. And I'm not talking about during meetings and conference calls because you'll rarely hear a word from me in those. I'm talking about in social situations where there's alcohol involved. Catch me at the bar with coworkers I'll be a totally different person. Somehow I'll transcend my usual self. I appear more witty and confident. And honestly 'Appear' is the key word because I truly am witty and confident.. but I prefer to shut the fuck up at work. But in during a session of imbibing I'm simply awesome. I can build strong rapport with a group of people faster in one night over a few beers than it would take a coworker to build with the same group in a year. So the next time my group needs a favor from someone with whome I've partied with before, it gets done promptly and properly. It's all politics and alcohol plays a huge role. Luckily for my collegues (and myself) I possess that skillset so I'm truly an asset. Couple that with my samurai-esque UNIX and security skills I'm indispensible and irreplaceable.

Can't I have my own conspiracy theories too?

Square Pimps

suntzu23: lemme know if yall need me to call some bitches to come hang out w/ yall
d: f u
suntzu23: :))
d: we got hoes aleady up in here
suntzu23: that honey ham in the fridge dont count fool

Seduction Links

Rooshlog - art of weblog seduction

DONUTHEADZ.COM/thundercat

Fast Seduction 101: Art of Pick-up and Seduction
Let's keep this one on the DL

Seduction Digest: The #1 News Source for the Busy Seducer
Another one


Other blogs of note

^^^Living on Less
Low on scrilla

The Mad Prophet Blog
temp

Tony's Adult Blog
Nice pr0n blog

Another sucka bites the dust...

sucka: pacers vs spurs
me: who u like in pacers/spurs game?
me: line is IND -1
sucka: at ind/
me: jeah i think
sucka: spurs
me: aight u wanna bet?
sucka: they lost last 2
me: i'll take ind -1
sucka: what
sucka: ind is favored by 1
sucka: give me 2
sucka: u give me 2
me: u was on lockdown
sucka: we on for 20
sucka: nah, dood
me: i'll give u 1
me: why u trying to move the line?
sucka: 2, we on
sucka: dood, pacers at home
sucka: 1 aint shit
sucka: 2
me: so??
sucka: how much
me: spurs unfadable after a few losses?
sucka: BET
me: i'll take 1.5..
me: my final offer
me: compromise nuga
sucka: at home pacers only lost 4 games
sucka: 1st in eastern
sucka: aight, 1.5
sucka: bet
me: aight bet for dinner right?
me: includes dranks
sucka: BET
sucka: sure
sucka: dinner
me: BET
me: LOGGED
sucka: damn, j o'neal out w/ injury
sucka: that's fucked up
sucka: peep it
sucka: LOL
me: u think i'm sweatin?
sucka: u got suckered
sucka: yea
me: actually
me: true line is -2.5
me: :))
sucka: j oneal
sucka: 20.7 pts
sucka: 10.6 boards
sucka: all star
sucka: out w/ ankle sprain
me: hahaha
sucka: bitch
me: aight mayne gonna hit this meeting right quick
me: L8
sucka: u better come correct
sucka: 2.5
sucka: minimum
sucka: whutever, u ain't reputable
sucka: gambler
sucka: l8
sucka: laters

Final Score: IND 89 SA 79

Super Bowl System (32-3-2 ATS)

This was found on one of my favorite handicapping sites... I don't wanna lose it so I'll save it in my blog. Here's the link:

Everyedge Handicapping Forums - Super Bowl System (32-3-2 ATS)

Posted by Reddog
Here is a system that I have used for the last few years. It did lose last year with Oakland. The Oakland loss was the only loss in the last 19 Super Bowls and is 32-3-2 ATS. Hank Stram had a system that was somewhat like this but this one has been changed to add numbers that can be researched.

Use Regular season stats only. Only 1 team should get points from each category. Stats can be found at different websites. Obviously, New England will get 10 points for winning a Super Bowl in the last 3 years and get another 8 since Carolina has not been in a Super Bowl. (It looks as if the Pats will be a big favorite in this system).

Please research these and post your total. This total will represent who should be favored and by how many. I will post previous Super Bowl results if you are interested. GL!

Points
10 If team has won the Super Bowl in last 3 years
8 if an opponent is going to their first Super Bowl
8 to the team that allows fewer defensive rushes
7 give to team with most offensive rushes
7 award the team with best overall record (straight up)
5 to the team with the lowest def. rush average per carry
4 give 4 pts. to the team with the better ATS record
4 to the team that has the superior NET penalty yards
4 to the team with the best NET kick-punt TD returns
3.5 team with the best yds per pass attempt
3.5 to the team that gave up the fewest points
3.5 allowed the fewest rushing TD's
3 award 3 points to the team with the most sacks
2.5 team with the fewest offensive pass attempts
2 team with the best NET punts (total) on the season
1.5 add to the team with the best avg. per off. rush
1 add 1 to the team with the best completion percent

Someone did the math and it's came out to NE 49 CAR 20... Not even close. Remember to take this with a grain of salt. Don't let this totally sway you.

Peyton and Donovan I hate you

All week I've been saying New England and Carolina. All fucking week. Now how is it when I call my bookie I say "Indy and Philly"?? Confidently too. Why am I such an idiot? Luckily I didn't lose much but still I could've used that damn scratch. Especially with this Tahoe trip coming up and all these mounting bills. Argh.

Lessons Learned 2nd Edition

1) Try not to second guess yourself. If you're undecided and feel like you can go either way but liked one side over another for whatever reason. Try to stick with it... unless you have significant reason to go the other way. Your first choice is always 50.00001% better.

2) Public/Vegas theories don't appear to work for NFL playoffs.

3) Study long... study wrong. Nuff said.

Weekend Recap

Other than today's costly loss my weekend was sweet. Friday was spent at home relaxing with the wife. Eating, Movies, Madden, Sex... repeat. Saturday was fun too. I spent most of the day wandering aimlessly around Union Square window shopping. Some might consider this very counter productive... not me. I like knowing whats out there just in case I have the sudden urge to buy something I can do it intelligently. I know... lame. Armani, Benetton, Macys, North Face, NikeTown, Urban Outfitters, Sisley, Virgin, Footlocker, J Crew... repeat (every 2-3 weeks or so).

After all that I had some greek food purchased from Whole Foods. Average at best. Then I met up with G for some drinks and pool. This dood decides to take me on a tour of the Tenderloin bar/pool scene. Enter bar, drink two ketel one crans, shoot a game or two, drive off to next bar... repeat 3-4 times.

Ouch. I was bent mayne. Luckily the missus was passed out and didn't notice me in my drunken state. I even remember throwing up before sleeping. I haven't done that in over a year I think.

Woke up today.. hungover and very dehydrated. What a beautiful day. Sunny, 70's. Pefect day for Pho, Football, and chillin around 9th and Irving with S and G. You know the rest... Pho Store, Mucky Duck, S's house, Citrus Club, TGE. I'd get into more detail but I really don't feel like writing. Gonna lay down and read.

M and the Over

Over me that is... M actually called me today after we traded a few txt messages. She got broked too. Sounded like she wanted some consoling from a fellow degenerate. Too bad I couldn't talk since I was accompanied by the wife. It's refreshing to know we're communicating again though. I guess she's finally over me. 20... the number of days it takes a woman to get over me. J/K.. I have no idea what's in her mind ;-)

Some nice links.

Fleshbot
smart porn

http://www.ecn.org/sexyshock/start.swf
minimal pr0n (for some reason creating the link wouldn't work.

Spartan
My favorite director's next movie release: Spartan by David Mamet. Mark your calendars.

Welcome to Engrish.com!
Can't forget this site...

Joe's Eclectic Thoughts
An political, legal, sports blog I found randomly. Fairly interesting.

Boing Boing: A Directory of Wonderful Things
The new slashdot??

Adobo cookin in the Far East
Random Blog... seems interesting. Haven't read too much.

Monkey off my back

I guess the news is out. We've suffered a loss in our group and it wasn't painful at all. He actually seems happier than he was before. 6 months of severance would probably make me happy too. But was it all worth it? All that stress and anguish. For what? Man I really gotta learn that worrying does NO good whatsoever. Try to get that into the head of a worry-worm though.

Anyways, I was pretty relieved to find out it wasn't me leaving this relaxing and convenient job. When she told me I just breathed out and tried to contain any facial expressions. I couldn't even look at her. I didn't want her to see me smile. Today she held an impromptu meeting just to brief us on the big picture: our titles were changing, who else got cut, etc. Most importantly, she reminded us that what just happened is neither good nor bad. It's just something that happened. Don't try to judge it. If we didn't face certain hardships in our past we wouldn't be together as a group now. Your best bet is just to embrace it. Amen. I love my boss.

After getting off work, I guess you could say I was joyous, to say the least. I kept yelling "Hey mayne i got a yab, still".... about a hundred times. The wife was clearly annoyed. But relieved at the same time for she knew I'd was no longer going to be moping around in my pj's and being a cheapass about everything. She could breathe easy now too. I figured this called for celebration so I immediately fixed myself a ketel one cran and suggested we go out to eat somewhere. Initially I thought Chili's or Bennigans but as the drink relaxed me I thought of that long trip out to San Bruno or San Mateo and it just didn't seem worth it. Instead we went to Bacar, an upscale wine bar/restaurant a few blocks away. We each got the 3 course meal with 5 different wines paired with the appetizers and entrees. The jazz band was relaxing but groovy. The ambiance was amicable. The food and wine was pretty typical, nothing outstanding. However, I must commend them on the duck and chards sp?? The damage was fairly significant too but hey.. I've been a cheapass for an entire month. What the hell.



Whole Foods Market Open for Bizness!!!

Whole Foods market finally opened downstairs from my building. I had to hit it up as I've been fiending for a sandwich from them for months. Chicken breast on a sourdough loaf.. Not bad. I guess my boss was aware of the grand opening also as she submitted a pick-up request for tomorrow's meetings. As long as I can put it on the expense card... No prob. Glad to be at your service.

O yeah... I still have a job too.

Women Hacking 101

Woke up today feeling stronger than usual. That was after my third and finally successful attempt at climbing out of bed. If waking up don't kill you.. it'll make your stronger. Always remember that.

I read half of Women last night and that's enough to empower any troubled alpha male. Thanks Buk! I've somehow managed to fight off that damn flu. Am I really transforming into a samurai? Naw.. I think I owe it to the light excercise: the groovin on Sat night and the push ups from last night. Light excercise is always a good thing.. at any time. Always remember that.

One thing's for sure. My understanding of females has been all wrong all these years. This new understanding has been growing in me for quite some time now. Buk has only helped reinforce these ideals. I started noticing it upon deciding to become a meta hacker, a hacker of the metaphysical world. And unfortunately It's forced me explore the hacking of women ;-)The theory is this: successfully pulling a woman is about 60% confidence, 30% seductive ability, while the remaining 10% consists of other things almost insignificant: looks, money, selling skills, intelligence, etc. You can feel it walking down the street or walking into a club. Women notice it and and become magically drawn to confidence. The logical thinking woman will do her best of ward it off for they fear the power you bring to the table. The ability for you to make them lose control. The modern woman isn't supposed to fall prey to a 1-2 combo of confidence and seduction any more. It's not as socially acceptable as it used to be. However, it's inevitable that she'll submit, very willingly. They're genetically coded that way. You cater to two specific needs they long for: competence and intrique. Confidence displays competence, sometimes falsely. However, women's intuition can sniiff out a rat easily. That explains why you see so many women ridiculing these frauds. Seduction just leaves them intriqued. And Intrique is essential to freaky, bed-rattling sex.

Luckily, I don't have to put my theory to the test as I'm happily married. Just like Bill. Bill Gates that is, who scribbled code on paper.. he just knew it not only would compile, but would also execute.

DISCLAMERS
I'm sure there are many exceptions to the rule (i.e. lesbians, psychotics, etc).

Please note that I'm not sexist nor do I support all of Hank's methods of pursuit and capture... But yeah he has the right idea.

The Pinnacle of Fear

I still feel like a dead man walking as they still haven't told us shit. Supposedly it will be tomorrow or Thursday. All they said was to come in at 9-10am everyday for you must be present for the grim reaper. Everyone's got their own theories... I wish I could create propositions and take bets. R thinks it's overhyped and we should be left intact. G thinks 1-2 of us will be canned. F thinks mainly contractors will be canned. It seems that K, C, and I hold the most negative outlook... I just wanna win regardless of what happens so I'll hedge and bet big that I'm gone. Becoming pleasantly suprised isn't an option for me as I'll find something that'll get me down again anyways. fuck fuck fuck. I need to see a therapist.


Milk, one Crunk Club

Let's see what else... Friday night we ate at Cha Cha Cha in the Haight for MJ's b-day. Other than the 2 hour wait and the rude patrons at the bar the food was satisfying and very inexpensive. Afterwards we hit a club called Milk across the street. Now this was probably the biggest highlight of the weekend. A local hiphop group called Foreign Legion got the place crunk. Too bad they didnt play my jam.. Secret Agent Man. To my pleasant surprise the crowd was more mature than I orginally expected. I guess the FL attracts fans from their own demographic.. white, middle class, thirtysomethings from beyond the bridges and tunnels. Milk: fix them damn speakers tho.. they sound like ass. To that cute hoochie bartender in the back: be careful woman... i'm with my wife. Overall, we had a blast. We all danced for a couple hours.. something I haven't done in years. I even re-learned that dancing can help offset drunkeness. I'll keep that in mind.


Free Food Downstairs

Tonight we went to a grand opening party for the supermarket downstairs. We were supposed to pay 10 bux each but no one asked for money so we just walzed on in. I'm not cheap and I would've loved to pay but times are rough now and they may not have even taken a check from us (we didn't have the cash). Besides they'll be robbing us blind in a few days anyways. Anyways, they had all kinds of whores-de-vours going: bits of steak and lamb, different cheeses, pizza, sushi, and various deserts. Oh yeah, they had wine too. It was hardly enough though as they ran out of their cab right after I got a glass. Overall it was very gracious of them to throw the party.

I just picked up my 3rd Bukowski book: Women. Hopefully it'll counter this anxiety I'm stricken with.

Oh no.. not again.

My senses are picking up an invasion of a nasty flu-like symptoms. The chill I feel comes from within. The drowsiness is not from lack of sleep. And my lack of strength isn't due to a lack of strength. What happened to my once formidable immune system? By the power of the mighty samurai I will make myself heal....

blah blah blah its friday.

I'm still a stress sack
I still haven't worked out this year
I still can't sleep at night
I still can't wake up in the morning
I fiend for a drink
I'm on the verge of breakdown
But I'm reading Bukowski
So I don't give a fuck

I spent a few hours at the bookstore yesterday after work. It's my favorite place to be. Time ceases while I browse. I wouldn't mind being locked up in there for a year or so. Especially if time really did cease. And the cafe stayed open. I'd just sit there, drink coffee, smoke cigs and explore.

This entry won't be pretty.

I'm trapped in a dark moment in my life right now... The anxiety caused by work along with the realization that I can't trust anyone has really gotten under my skin. I've been drinking excessively. Unlike before though, when I used to just drink alot and party, it's been different as of late... I've been drinking to numb pain.

Work is one issue. I'm sure you've heard enough about that situation. No matter how much I complain about it deep down I know it's just a change. Possibly one for the best.

The idea of trust is another issue. It's screwed up. Why do I grant people trust by default? Have I always been like that? I'm pretty sure I haven't but what induced this change? Why do I think people have similar virtues as myself? I'm losing my fuckin edge here... Get it into your fucking skull... TRUST NO ONE... never.. even after they give you ten reasons to trust them.

To the punk azz that betrayed my trust. You aint my nuga.. you aint my boy. You'll feel it. How would you like it if I went and told your wife about your nasty substance abuse problem? To her you're a fuckin perfect angel. You're such a fucking sell out. Marry the wealthiest woman you could find, abandon your identity, say fuck you to everyone in the world and laugh because you're now sheltered forever... Pussy ass hoe.. you never could do anything for your damn self huh? I was your last homie. Where have they all gone? Ask yourself that...

To that cold-hearted bitch.. you know who you are. I should've fucked you every chance I had.. and that's plenty. You little slut-tramp-ass-whore. That's all you wanted huh? If I woulda broke you off everything would be kewl huh? Silly of me to think otherwise. I just wanted to put it behind is and become good friends again, that's it. Remember when you called me 'you're best friend'? Silly of me to think you were different from all these other skanky h0ez on my jock. Funny you tricked me into thinking otherwise considering you done fucked half of alief. You're only best friend is this dick h0e. Don't ever try to enter my life again. Fuck you dirty azz bitch.

werd up. Ok werd on the street is we will know our fate on Tuesday Jan 13. I wish it was today. I can't work with this crap hovering above me like this. Everything will be all good... Take a deep breath... Live by the moment... Live by the beat... Exhale.

I've been assigned to work on this LDAP/AD project. I notice others in my group sneering about it. I've seen them suddenly jump into other projects beforehand too. I can sense relief in their faces. I feel like I've been stuck with the old maid card. Hahaha. Who cares. At this point I'll take the hardest project they can devise. I'll offer to rewrite HP-UX from scratch if they wanted. At least I can append it to my resume.

Today I got into a discussion with an old friend who holds a truly opposite view of life than myself. He's 100% about money: making as much of it and accumulating as much as possible. That's kewl and all. I grok. But I don't believe that that type of lifestyle is worth it because the memories and good times lost from being a cheap-ass can never be regained. I mean what's the point of being an obscenely rich old fart lacking real world experience outside the daily grind?

I'm not a hardcore saver nor spender.. i sit somewhere in between. That's my balance. If that balance gets disturbed i get sick. That's all there is to it.

I can't complete this entry. Going across the street to meet a friend for a beer.

Sun: Am I suffering from any serious illness?
8-ball: My sources say no.

I'm not sure what's come over me lately but I've become more introspective. I just haven't been as care free and happy-go-lucky as my usual self. What the fuck? I'm not depressed. I don't really feel ill. I'm not broke. The sex has been more back-breaking and passionate than in a long while.

I do however feel this uncontrollable need to satisfy certain intellectual and spiritual cravings. I've been obssessed with things others usually ignore.. the insignificant things that make us happy such as a good coffee (sometimes irish) and interesting conversation. Also, we tend to forget how important loyal and honest people are... That's the kind of people I want to surround myself by. People I can let my guard down and just be honest with and share our trials and tribulations with, without fear of backlash.. to cleanse my soul a bit.

And no I'm not talking about needing to attend AA meetings hehehe. I can honestly say I'm not an alcoholic. Isn't alcohol a means to an end for current AA members? I enjoy drinking excessively, yes, but by no means am I dependent on it. My current goal seems be longing for a philosiphical examination of life. It's not my fault that imbibing encourages this. It helps with my soul searching efforts doesn't it? I can have an intellectual conversation with or without a drink that's for sure. But a couple glasses of bourbon will certainly expedite this... It ain't my fault thats how it is.

The endorphins released from rigorous excercise produces a similar feeling to me. It also enables a false sense of bravado and causes one to release certain chemicals to the female species. Drinking moderately does the same for me.. but in addition I truly believe it brings me to another level intellectually. Don't laugh. I'm dead serious. Please notice that I emphasize the word "moderately" here. Because going past a certain limit leads to belligerent and chaotic behavior. The key is to get into that "zone" and stay in it the same way an athlete does. It's very tricky... but if Peyton Manning can do it.. so can I. After all drinking is a sport.. and I'm the Peyton Manning of this league.

"Love is a condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own"
--Jubal Harshaw in Stranger in a Strange Land

I have one of those old skool plastic 8-balls on my desk that displays a yes/no/maybe answer every time you ask it a question. I found it on top of a pile of cubicle waste one day when we were cleaning up our lab. Anyways I thought it was kind of kewl, being a pool player and my problem dealing with question marks in my mind, I picked the damn thing up. Before my long vacation I asked it a few rudimentary questions. I can't remember too many but one was "Will we hookup?" Why is that the only question I could remember? Now anyone that knows me knows I don't have a superstitious bone in my body... so trust me the damn thing is purely for amusement and laughs.. and possibly it tricks my mind into thinking the question marks disappeared. So, in an effort to clear my mental slate I ask it the following questions and get the following replies.

Q: Is she in love with me?
A: It is certain

uhh... well this is very doubtful but it would explain why she's avoiding me at all costs... it's her only defense.. it's the only way she can get over me.

Q: Am I getting laid off?
A: My reply is no

hahaha. jeah right.

Q: Will we be friends again sometime in the future?
A: Most definitely

Out of the three this answer is the only one remotely believable. I think it's understood that our friendship is strong. Considering everything it's been through.. it will endure (although suffer from gaps of pure hatred).

Welll I'm in QA hell here at work. I just finished chatting with you know who... Basically I broke it down to her. I told her about how I feel. I told her how important our friendship meant to me and how I love hanging out with her. Typically, she blew me off again. I wish I saved the log so I could always remember how cold she is. When her guard is up.. she's ruthless and unflinching. And the way it looks, she'll never let her guard down for me again. O well... Not having contact with her will probably keep both of us healthier emotionally. I'll deal with it.

Ok enough of that nonsense I was talking yesterday. Bottomline is keeping her as a friend without any trace of unhealtlhy feelings would keep me happy. She means so much to me... I'd just love to keep her around. I think we're inseperable in some ways when we both let our guards down. I tell you.. it's hard to find someone like that nowadays. keep ya head up babydoll... muah.

Today marks the end of my 3 week vacation. A decadent hedonistic binge probably describes it better. I can't seem to snap out of this mode I'm stuck in. I can't even wake up before 10am. How the hell am I gonna make it to work at a reasonable hour? My body temperature is out of whack. It's way too cold. I'm itching for a drink. I'm glued to the couch and the remote control. I've been on a strict carnivorous diet too. I sleep too damn much. Help.

Ok, I'm gonna break it down. I can't really tell anyone so I guess I'll just tell the entire internet. Just random thoughts...

You got me completely consumed.
I can't really focus on much else.
Maybe this will help.
Dumping thoughts on paper.
It was just a kiss... maybe two.
Totally unplanned.
Took me completely off guard.
Passion in two simple kisses.
What's the point?
Why even question it?
We both belong to others we refuse to hurt again.
What was were you thinking?
Why would you kiss back?
And apologize afterwards.
Like you were more guilty than myself.
Why girl?? I need you to justify...
But you won't and never will.
Because you like to believe there is no reason.
And because there's really no point.
You understand that.
Much better than I do.

Quotes:

"He taught me about architecture, wine, and how to endure pain"
-Caitlin Carlson in Prime Gig

"At the beep please leave your name, number and a brief justification for the unlogical necessity of modern man's existential dilemma"
-Troy Dyer in Reality Bites

Wed Dec 17

Wake up call was ineffective. Alarm too hard to set when shitfaced the night before. Result: Late to morning conferences. My boss had to call me up to wake me. Hoping no one would really notice if I snuck in 30 minutes late I didn't even bother to shower. I just threw on some clothes and ran over to the conference area. I was very hung over and dehydrated. Not suprisingly I wasn't the only trooper to creep in late. Some scrubs didn't even show up... hahaha. Nonetheless, it was very embarrassing. During lunch I managed to get a 20 minute nap and then used my samurai willpower to endure another 4 hours of boring ass presentations.

After all that bizness we all hopped on a bus drove deep into the desert to some big ass cowboy theme restaurant where they cut off your ties if you have one on. Cowboys in Arizona?? Kinda odd to me. The place was about the size of two Chuck-e-Cheeses and neckties hung from every inch of the ceiling. The steak was bland and the beverages were stale. Not really kewl.

Finally after all that mess we finally made it back to the hotel. Us troopers plan a clandestine mission despite the fact we're all exhausted. Mission for the evening: The Library Now that's what I'm talking bout. It's right off the ASU campus. There's actually books in there. But it's a bar... and best of all the all female bar and waitstaff all wear little schoolgirl outfits. whoa. jeah and I forgot.. they dance on the bar. Kewl ass spot. I remember one point in the evening sitting at the bar outdoors having a smoke and drinking a ketel one tonic. Baby Bash's Suga Suga comes on.. and the hotties all get on the bar and shake their stuff. I remember thinking for a second that this was the life as I bobbed my head... Good times mayne. I kick it with Eddie and find we're very similar... we both have problems partying too much and staying away from beautiful women. My new homie. If i can remember correctly some of us actually managed to call it a night pretty early (around 1am I think). Woowee.

It feels like it's been ages since my last journal entry. Over the next few days I'll attempt to recount possibly the most chaotic, decadent, alcohol-induced experiences during the past two weeks. If I don't most of it will be forgotten, some of it purposely, and pushed into the depths of my psyche.

NOTE: The names have been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty)

Tue Dec 16, approximately 02:30 PM

Jules, Harry and I arrive in the desertland after an uneventful flight. I can't remember much from the trip except for Jewli's excessive yapping. Upon arrival we check into a cheesy Southwestern style desert inn. Famished, we hit the in-house restaurant and I immediately order a beer: a heneiken. I order the special burger medium well. It arrives severely burned. Straight up disgusting. Tortilla soup is excellent however... probably the only thing edible in the entire place. I order heneiken #2. Catch a slight buzz and meet some fellow remote coworkers. Everyone is hella kewl. Suprisingly, they all appear to be more secure about their jobs than we are. I suppose they're just better prepared... A few hours later we're standing around having cocktails and meeting some more remotes. Much fun. Where's the keg dammit? Open bar?? Daym I better drink up... too bad there's no scotch. While standing around bsing I can immediately tell who I'll be kicking it with.

Eddie, the scruffy 40 something chain smoking dranker who just don't give a fuck.

Mory, the muscle head playa who is almost as quiet as myself.

Hasker, alternative pearl jam type mofo who just don't give a fuck.

Laura, the blonde i-can't-believe-she's-a-sysadmin hottie from Iowa (jeah I can see she's jocking).

Stephen, the mullet-sporting desert pimp that can out drink everyone here.

Suzanne, the nerd by day poolshark by night chick from Minnesota.

I can't forget to mention the h0e we're all worried about...

Kay, the evil power monger beeyotch.

Anyways, after dinner we find ourselves at the internal bar getting severely dranked... Double Makers please... and another... then I settle down for a fat tire ale. Someone picked up the tab too. Sweeeet.

After the squares turn in, the truest troopers head on down to the local poolhall. I proceed to imbibe further and even manage to turn a few heads with my leet 9-ball skills. It's all good. One thing I do notice is the fact that the city seriously lacks diversity. I began to get the feeling that some locals (not to mention some of my rural coworkers) have never seen someone of my ethnicity. It's not something I've felt in a few years but it's something that's obvious to detect. Oh well... I think I showed them how them ethnics hold it down and get crunk.

We get back to the hotel around 3am or so extremely inebriated. I deperately needed to get to bed but I'm a fucking lush. As soon as I stumble out of the truck Stephen announces he has a cooler full of Bud Lights. Ouch. I'm not much of a lite beer drinker but my dumbass just couldn't turn it down so I proceeded to toss back a couple cold ones while shooting the shit. Don't ever try to out drink a native Arizonian sporting a mullet. You won't be able to hang. After I get back to the room I text an old friend... can't believe she's up and is down to talk for awhile. Finally I crash around 4am.