Turbulent Times

Despite the desperate tone in my previous post, coolness has prevailed. Sometimes I forget how strong mentally and emotionally I've become. All is good with me.

I just wish I could say the same for my wife. We have a month left and she has completely lost her composure. The tiniest and most insignificant issues have her steaming. She is interpreting everything incorrectly. The attitude she conveys is the worst I've ever seen from her.

I've recently made it a point to change my ways. I give her constant pep talks. I try to be that coach. I've become a 'yes mam' kind of husband. I can't get through to her. As, I'm just now discovering, she just isn't built that way. She cannot deal with pain the way I can. She's just not into trying to improve her psychological mindset.

I swear I would leave her right now if she wasn't carrying my child...

Yup.. it's that harsh. And I've tried everything. But what can I do? Shit. I can't do shit except keep trying...

The Dilemna

I've been fucking up as of late. Not in my eyes but in the eyes of everyone else. In the past, I've rarely cared about what the fuck anyone thought about me and/or my actions. I've always thought of myself as a fairly amoral person. My primary philosophy is that life is just a game.

But now things are changing. I'm dealing with real life issues that truly affect others not just myself. My philosophy is at odds with those in my life that I love. Is it possible for my ideals to peacefully mesh with the ideals of loved ones? Why is it so difficult for me to change?

And ultimately... was I meant to live this live alone?

Phone lost then Found

I thought I lost my phone for good this time. After spending most of my afternoon retracing my steps from the previous evening in my head and calling different bars I gave up. Hopelessness set in and I started trying to recoup my lost digits via yahoo messenger and email. Back your shit up next time.

Update: I found my phone at M's house. Apparently, when I picked up my snowboard the other night I dropped it in his garage.

Stoned, Stoked, SugarBowl

Atop Mt. Lincoln, 8,300 or so feet closer to the heavens, I find myself staring down a nasty black diamond run. Paranoid off Cali's finest government grade greenery. Metallica's And Justice For All blaring into my eardrums.

This will be my last run of the day.

Quite possibly my last run for years.

Fear fades as ignorant courageous adrenaline starts pumping through my veins. I confidently echo to myself "Let's make this one count. Energy is limitless".

Strength and honor!!!

Front foot pushes down on the board and I'm gone. See ya when I see ya...

Goodbye Gamblers Anonymous

My friends and I figuratively refer to the act of ceasing to gamble as checking into GA, or Gamblers Anonymous. Such a group actually exists. We have no real affiliation to the real non-profit group for degenerate gamblers. Besides, joining the real GA is for pussies... Real gamblers just take time off then come back sharp as fuck.

This is exactly what I did this past weekend. After a month and a half hiatus I laid down some small time wagers. Let me tell you what a thrill it is to call the man and place a bet after time off. It's like that first line of coke for the night or penetrating a hot bitch you've been chasing for months for the first time. Just kidding. Maybe I'm not.

Anyways, I took STL, NYJ, and MIN. I would've taken IND too but I didn't wake up early enough on Saturday. That's 3-0 for weekend. Although I made was some small change I feel ecstatic. This weekend I continue my onslaught of the man..

The Day Draws Near

In a month or so from now I'll be in the midst of some chaotic stressful times. And soon after, a new addition to my life will be arriving. Wow.. Nine months is nothing.

On top of that my boss is scheduling me for projects and right around the time my wife is expecting. Did she forget my impending fatherhood date? Is it because I don't act like I'm fixin to be a dad? Cmon boss.. cut me some slack.

Let's see what else...

Beltran has opted to sign with the Mets. So you know what that means: we just lost two of our biggest impact players in recent years (Beltran and Clemens). According to Beltran what swayed his decision was the failure of the Astros to offer him a no trade clause. As a slugger in his prime stabilty is supposedly critical to him. Whether it was BS or not I have no idea but at least he was gracious by thanking HTown for the overwhelming support then subsequently apologizing. Good luck man.. I ain't hatin.

I have once again steered clear of the gym for the past couple weeks. Ever since I started painting and fixing up the house I just haven't had any time. And no, working on the house does not get you cut up... You just get high off paint fumes and make you wish you bought something new. Nothing can substitute for a good session of lifting and/or a good ole 3 mile run.

We held playoff draft for our fantasy league yesterday. This particular league actually plays through the playoffs and super bowl. Basically the top four seeds hang on to all the players still alive for the nfl divisional playoff games. All other players still alive in the nfl playoffs on eliminated teams get thrown back into the free agent pool. We draft from this pool. It's a bitch to explain... But, since I'm drafting this year I finally made the playoffs (2nd seed in fact). Here's my probable starting squad this week:

QB Marc Bulger
RB Corey Dillon
RB Marshall Faulk
WR Randy Moss
WR Deion Branch
WR Hines Ward
K Jeff Wilkins
D Falcons

Too bad for me I have to face Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne... Good luck to myself.

slicker than the average...

Yeah thats me. And it's not exactly a positive characteristic since it implies I'm possibly conniving and manipulative. It's something I've tried to supress but I can't help it if I'm slick even when I try not to be.

It's Friday. The rain won't let up. My mind feels dumb from all the Sierras and sticky icky from last night. M and I had a few drinks at our favorite Glen Park bar (oh wait, there is only one bar in Glen Park). Same ole drunk conversations... Our jobs suck, i wanna fuck that bitch, etc... I'll refrain from writing up a long post...

Beltran, please fly to Houston and sign on the dotted line.

Good luck Rox with the Lakers tonight...

I'm audi5000.

Trouble in Camelot

Our honorable mayor of SF, Gavin Newsome and his stunningly hot lawyer wife have decided to get a divorce.

WTF? How's he gonna run for President single? How does he leave a nice piece of ass like that?

Yeah.. that last post was nuts. I still haven't recovered. Deep breaths...

You know that movie 40 days and 40 nights where Josh's character hallucinates that every woman he sees on the street is naked or in sexy lingerie.

Well, I'm going through that right now.

Best Lapdance Ever

After work yesterday G and I hit 4th Street Bar to catch the college game of the decade, the Orange Bowl, between USC and OU. At least that's what the game was billed. What a fuckin' joke. OU, what happened did yall get too drunk the night before?? This was not the team I watched earlier in the season. After the botched punt return and being down 21-7... they just laid down and the game was already decided.

After wolfin' down wings and chicken fingers and washing it down with about 5-6 pints of Stella I was feeling pretty good. So I'm thinkin'... I'm in the city, I'm lit, the game is no longer entertaining, and my VIP card to my favorite SF strip club will soon be expiring... I suggest we go see some tiddies for an hour or so. G agrees wholeheartedly. It's on once again...

We're up in there near the bar, enjoying the scenery. It's prime time and the top shelf talent is just starting to file in. Admittedly, guilt does set in a little. I really didn't belong up in there considering how long I've stayed away and other circumstances. I thought I finally kicked the strip club habit for good.

Like an ex-smoker rewarding himself for quitting by lighting up for old times sake I end up with a couple really smokin dancers on each side of me. Guilt fades. I deserve a reward for my valiant efforts too.

On one side, between G and I, we have a very curvy (in all the right places) latina with a gorgeous face. She's clearly the one everyone in the club is after. On my other side we have a thin curly haired brunette.. lovely as well. Not your typical hoochie mama like the latina but I don't know there's just something about her. I would've gone after the first one but G seems to have taken a liking to her and since he paid for dinner, I let him have first pick.

Anyways, the thinner chick is really coming on to me hard. Compliments were being thrown at me all too frequently. My first impression was she's a serious hustler and I'm initially turned off. But as I check out more of her I realize she's actually more my type: body of a model, nice round ass, and small perky breasts. I decide to run some game on her as if I was at the club. I put my arm around her and feel her waist and ass but devote most of my attention to the latina and her perfect cleavage. I'm sharp tonight. I'm spitting some serious game to one woman while ignoring the one caressing my chest. I guess she's shocked. To recapture my attention and prove her value she states that my face and hands are cold so she grabs my hands and places them on her neck and down to the top of her breasts to "warm them up". Then she positions herself between my legs (she's standing up and I'm sitting in a bar style tall chair) and starts rubbing herself all over me. We're stuck in a deep embrace with her warm body pressing against my crotch. We stay in this position for two songs. Her slight wiggle movements have me aroused. She can tell. Unable to control myself any longer I ask her for a dance.

This pre-dance foreplay led to the most sensuous lapdance I've ever experienced. I still can't think about anything else. Mind you, I've had a lot of lapdances in my time and have done some wild things inside strip clubs but this was ironically the wildest. During the dance she's grinding seductively on my lap and several times she whispers in my ear how horny she is and that I have sexy lips. The woman had a look in her eyes like she worshipped me. Suddenly, she brings her lips to mine and kisses me. Instinctively, I kiss her back and soon our tongues are engaged in a battle. This went on for about half a song. All the while I'm massaging her ass underneath and she's moving her satin covered cunt up and down against my woody. For that minute and a half I was gone... lost in sheer and utter bliss. Suddenly I realized where I was and what I was doing. Strippers don't kiss you. Sometimes they'll suck you off or let you fuck them.. but one thing they don't do is kiss.

I somehow break away and tell her I better quit before I get kicked out and she whispers that she'll probably get kicked out too if someone saw that. I'm still blown away. I'm convinced the woman is in love with me. Either that, or she's the best actress in the world.

I get another dance.. a more typical one (although she still manages to bite my wood gently through my pants and let me massage her moistness with my hand through her g-string). Then it ends... I blurt out that I have to rejoin my friend. We stop. She hangs out on my lap for another song. It seems we can't let go of each other. Like an old girlfriend forever addicted to me she won't leave. Finally, I hand her 40 bux and tell her to come find me again in a little while.

I go back and join G and the latina and pound a couple patron shots. I overhear G and the latina are discussing her voyeuristic fantasies but I still couldn't think about anything else outside of what just happened. I can't believe I "made out" with a dancer.

I tell G its time to get ghost. We were only supposed to stay for an hour. As we make our exit out the club, I run into my gal. She grabs my arm and tries to pull me into a chair while reminding me how much fun we just had. I decline reluctantly knowing I had to get out of there now before I try to take her to somewhere else. She knows she's in my head. I get her digits and tell her I'll be back very soon...

Happy New Year!!!

The celebration is over and I have no more time to recollect trials and tribulations of 2004. It's back to the grind for me...

As I look back upon my past I've found that every stressful period in my life only resulted in strengthening my inner self and overall character. That's understood.

No matter how tough the situation I've always risen to the occaison. For example back in early 2001 when I got laid off from my dotcom. I was severely in the red. My woman at the time was in school and didn't make much at her part time job. The assholes at the dotcom provided us with a paltry 2 weeks of severance. I didn't know how I was going to come up with rent, 2 car payments, etc. I had no savings and I was heavily in debt.

What did I do? I just took it to another level. I submitted about 100-200 resumes per day for any openings I felt remotely qualified for. I quit spending. I went to the gym every night and even went snowboarding. I ate ham and cheese sand "wishes". I studied like a mutha. And best of all... I had a four interviews and received four offer letters in less than a week. I signed in less than 7 days after receiving my pink slip. Mind you, also, this all happened during dotcom bust times.

Yeah I learned alot. I will always step up to the plate and knock the shit out of any challenges thrown at me.

But at what cost?

I know for sure that my ability to take things to that other level and consistently come through under extreme pressure is difficult. I can't think of anyone else that would be willing to make the sacrifices I make to get what I want during these times. What I accomplish is in one word: supernatural. And trust me, I am not tooting my own horn...

My concern is the price I pay for this ability to change the outcome of things and my ability to slow my eventual demise. Look at all the new ailments I've become inflicted with in the past few years... The back problems, the eye disease, the allergies, the grey hair, and hair thinning. All must be a direct result of energy spent in conquering certain problems. In fact, these problems probably manifest themselves from one another. It's like a fuckin' game of wack-a-mole in which I'm winning but as I win I keep advancing to levels with more and more moles to deal with.

Although I'm continue on my devastating winning streak, the game is taking a toll on me... I must find a way to cheat. I'm just not good at video games any more.